ETERNAL DASHBOARD CAUSES FACE EXPLOSIONS

It has been reported that the new David Fribbins movie 'Eternal Dashboard' is so awesome that is has caused people's faces to explode.
The movie, set in ancient Egypt, is about a race-car driver who has been sent back in time and has to rescue a princess from an evil Pharaoh by beating him in a drag race. But there is a twist in the plot that is said to be so shocking and unthought-of that when you watch the film, at least for the first time, it is likely that the sheer epicness with cause your face to literally explode.
Since the release of this film, it has been a hard time for cinema cleaners.
"It's just ridiculous the mess people leave behind when they watch this film," said Tina Ragina Clina, the cleaner.
Director David Fribbins has claimed that he was unsure whether or not to include the shocking plot twist in the final draft of the script, due to the massive risk of face explosions. He now expresses great sorrow for causing this to happen.
However, the film hasn't been banned due to massive health and safety issues, since the film is apparantly "too awesome to miss," according to faceless movie censor James Cinema.

Kinfrom Develops New Kind of Water

Local Froxton evil butcher and inventor of the meat car Kimfron Von Kinfrom has developed a new kind of water, said to be "much better then normal water".
His claim that it is better than normal water is under question, as studies show that it is simply normal water mixed with several kinds of deadly poison. It is suspected that his plan to replace the entire water supply for Froxton with this new kind of water is a health hazard and possibly an evil plot somehow related to taking over the world.
After his last attempt to take over the world, involving the new meat car failed, Kinfrom has stated that he has come up with several schemes since then and this is the best one so far.
As a C-grade villain and therefore generally unsuccessful, A-grade villain Doctor Pisketti thinks this a fairly good plan for Kinfrom and wishes him all the best with his latest scheme.

Magic Cell Phone Increases People’s Ability to Understand Fire

Where the scientists have failed, the wizards of the mobile phonamatron industry have succeeded. A blue wizard with a nose has created a magic cell phone which gives users the ability to understand fire. The phonamatronic device allows the user to speak to the flames of any kind of fire as if they were people, through the magic of magic.
This new technology is said to revolutionize the fire-fighting industry. Instead of using the traditional approach of putting the fire out with hoses and water cats, fire-fighters may now be able to simply talk the fire into leaving the house alone and going away.
Also we can now answer many of the long-asked questions such as: “Is fire in constant burning pain?” and “Can fire feel love?”
More on the story as it develops.