A man named Chris Harry from Plandon in West Christmashire was arrested yesterday for streaking across his local beach. The Policeman who arrested him, Harry Chris, was shocked to see him sprinting across a nudist beach wearing a full three-piece suit.
"I mean there's a time and a place for attire, but some people just don't seem to know when and where those times and places are. There should be a rota on the town notice board," commented officer Chris.
Sunday, 31 July 2011
Monday, 13 June 2011
Man With No Height Could be World's Tallest or Shortest Person
37 year old Micheal Palin (not to be confused with Micheal Palin, the French painter) visited his local doctor last Thursday mid-noon for a basic check up. However, when the doctor attempted to measure Palin's height, he was completely unable to do so.
"I told him to remove his shoes and any other outdoor footwear and stand up straight next to the measuring device," says Doctor Wish, "but when I tried to distinguish his exact height, he didn't come up to anywhere on the scale".
This odd and surprising phenomena is very rare, but can sometimes occur when a child is born without height genes. Usually the height genes determine exactly how tall the person will be when they grow up, whereas a child born without these genes will grow but will never have any kind of measurable height.
With the possibility of Palin being anywhere between zero and forty-eight foot tall, his lack of height has caused his doctor, Doctor Wish, to wonder if he could in fact be the tallest person alive.
The previous record for height is currently held by Martin Martini, who stands at a Goliath thirty-two feet. However could Palin be even taller in reality?
Says Doctor Wish: "Since he has no height he could actually be taller than all of us and we'd never know. But of course he could also be extremely short, maybe the smallest man in the world. We'll just never know either way".
"I told him to remove his shoes and any other outdoor footwear and stand up straight next to the measuring device," says Doctor Wish, "but when I tried to distinguish his exact height, he didn't come up to anywhere on the scale".
This odd and surprising phenomena is very rare, but can sometimes occur when a child is born without height genes. Usually the height genes determine exactly how tall the person will be when they grow up, whereas a child born without these genes will grow but will never have any kind of measurable height.
With the possibility of Palin being anywhere between zero and forty-eight foot tall, his lack of height has caused his doctor, Doctor Wish, to wonder if he could in fact be the tallest person alive.
The previous record for height is currently held by Martin Martini, who stands at a Goliath thirty-two feet. However could Palin be even taller in reality?
Says Doctor Wish: "Since he has no height he could actually be taller than all of us and we'd never know. But of course he could also be extremely short, maybe the smallest man in the world. We'll just never know either way".
Thursday, 21 April 2011
Graham Norton not Invited to Royal Wedding
BBC presenter and Duke of North Sweden Graham Norton was shocked to hear that he was not invited to attend the fourth-coming royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.
The Irish BBC presenter phoned Prince William to ask his advice on what to wear to the Prince's upcoming wedding, but sadly learned that he was not invited. Norton reacted with what Prince William afterwards described as "an immature paddy like a little girl".
When interviewed regarding the phone call, Prince William stated that Norton called him "a stupid head" and said that he didn't like him anymore.
When asked why Graham Norton was discluded from his wedding ceremony and celebrations, Prince Will.i.am replied: "He's just so annoying and over the top, I don't want him there shouting out innuendos through the ceremony like he did that time we went to see Inception together. And besides, the last thing I want is for him to think he's being invited to host the event and get up half way through the ceremony to announce the adverts. But he'll probably turn up uninvited and ruin it anyway, like he keeps doing on Doctor Who”.
Sunday, 10 April 2011
David Cameron Mistakes Tsunami for Toonami
David Cameron, Metroid Prime Minister of Britain, 'slipped up' when commenting on the Japan tsunami earlier this evening.
When questioned on why Harry Microsoft, head of demerera and word documents, was not available for questioning regarding the current state of demerera in Japan, Cameron replied with what he afterwards described as 'an unfortunate slip of the tongue, which I hope doesn't result in dogs eating my face'.
Instead of saying; "I think that Japan is coping perfectly well with the demerera situation after the recent tsunami," which Cameron claims he meant to say, he said; "I think that Japan is coping perfectly well with the demerera situation after the recent Toonami".
Toonami is a tel-e-vision broadcast network station, which has something to do with Cartoon Network, and shows anime shows and other cartoons, including 'Bob's Cat the Ferret' and 'Munch's Adventures in Boggo Land'. The broadcast network station broadcasts a tel-e-vision station network, for broadcast viewing.
Cartoon Network, or 'See En' as it is often known, have expressed concern for the reputation of the Toonami channel, fearing that angry Japanese men will blame them for the damage to their country, possibly assaulting the Toonami headquaters wielding coins as weapons.
After the press bombarded him with questions regarding the matter, James Cameron finally stated; "Look, I'm nothing to do with this, leave me alone".
Sunday, 26 December 2010
Arthur Darville Assulted by Restaurant Owner
Actor Arthur Darville (Rory Williams, Doctor Who) has recently been attacked by a furious restaurant owner with a nearby school desk.
The elderly actor who plays the long-admired character of Rory Williams in popular children's documentary series Doctor Who recently ate with his wife Victor Darville and his brother Bob Hoskins at a posh restaurant called Penelope's Cantalope. As he was tucking into his dessert, the onwer of the restuarant, a man named Olivia Newton John (not to be confused with Olivia Newton John), rushed over in a furious rage, weilding a sharpened school desk as a weapon. John had apparently mistaken Arthur Darville for the character of Rory Williams and became enraged at the fact that he had married Karen Gillen, who incidently in real life was engaged to John's sister, I mean brother, Tim Newton John.
The outcome of the situation was that Arthur Darville, who happened to be able to remove his own elbows under dire circumstances, used his unique ability to "gross out" the angered restaurant owner until he backed away and lay on a table to go to die for some reason.
It was later reported that John was only asleep, and dreampt about "an amazing persian with the ability to light a fire under the ocean, in a non-gay way".
The elderly actor who plays the long-admired character of Rory Williams in popular children's documentary series Doctor Who recently ate with his wife Victor Darville and his brother Bob Hoskins at a posh restaurant called Penelope's Cantalope. As he was tucking into his dessert, the onwer of the restuarant, a man named Olivia Newton John (not to be confused with Olivia Newton John), rushed over in a furious rage, weilding a sharpened school desk as a weapon. John had apparently mistaken Arthur Darville for the character of Rory Williams and became enraged at the fact that he had married Karen Gillen, who incidently in real life was engaged to John's sister, I mean brother, Tim Newton John.
The outcome of the situation was that Arthur Darville, who happened to be able to remove his own elbows under dire circumstances, used his unique ability to "gross out" the angered restaurant owner until he backed away and lay on a table to go to die for some reason.
It was later reported that John was only asleep, and dreampt about "an amazing persian with the ability to light a fire under the ocean, in a non-gay way".
Wednesday, 8 December 2010
WOMAN KILLED BY ISIAH MUSTAFA'S VOICE
Earlier this week, Harriet Totem, mother of four and wife of actor Bill Nighy, was watching an advert for the men's product 'Old Spice' on her tel-e-vision, and as she looked at her husband and then back at the screen for the second time, her head actualy exploded because of the voice she heard.
Isiah Mustafa, creator of irish mustard, starred in this particular advert and happens to have a particularly rich and deep voice. The sheer manliness of his voice as he politely asked Harriet to look at her man and then back at him, combined with the overbearing power of his abdominals, caused her head to actually explode. Unfortunately she did not survive.
The power of Isiah Mustafa's voice has affected many women in similar ways, but this is the most fatal case known so far. The 'Old Spice' adverts have now been banned, as Isaiah Mustafa's voice is just "too sexy for tel-e-vision," according to tel-e-vision censor Raphael de la TV.
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