Image Headlines: James Stewart and Gina Davis Star in new Feature Film

Arthur Darville Assulted by Restaurant Owner

Actor Arthur Darville (Rory Williams, Doctor Who) has recently been attacked by a furious restaurant owner with a nearby school desk.

The elderly actor who plays the long-admired character of Rory Williams in popular children's documentary series Doctor Who recently ate with his wife Victor Darville and his brother Bob Hoskins at a posh restaurant called Penelope's Cantalope. As he was tucking into his dessert, the onwer of the restuarant, a man named Olivia Newton John (not to be confused with Olivia Newton John), rushed over in a furious rage, weilding a sharpened school desk as a weapon. John had apparently mistaken Arthur Darville for the character of Rory Williams and became enraged at the fact that he had married Karen Gillen, who incidently in real life was engaged to John's sister, I mean brother, Tim Newton John.

The outcome of the situation was that Arthur Darville, who happened to be able to remove his own elbows under dire circumstances, used his unique ability to "gross out" the angered restaurant owner until he backed away and lay on a table to go to die for some reason.
It was later reported that John was only asleep, and dreampt about "an amazing persian with the ability to light a fire under the ocean, in a non-gay way".

WOMAN KILLED BY ISIAH MUSTAFA'S VOICE

Earlier this week, Harriet Totem, mother of four and wife of actor Bill Nighy, was watching an advert for the men's product 'Old Spice' on her tel-e-vision, and as she looked at her husband and then back at the screen for the second time, her head actualy exploded because of the voice she heard.

Isiah Mustafa, creator of irish mustard, starred in this particular advert and happens to have a particularly rich and deep voice. The sheer manliness of his voice as he politely asked Harriet to look at her man and then back at him, combined with the overbearing power of his abdominals, caused her head to actually explode. Unfortunately she did not survive.

The power of Isiah Mustafa's voice has affected many women in similar ways, but this is the most fatal case known so far. The 'Old Spice' adverts have now been banned, as Isaiah Mustafa's voice is just "too sexy for tel-e-vision," according to tel-e-vision censor Raphael de la TV.

FACTORY FOUND DEAD, MURDER SUSPECTED

Police today have uncovered the remains of a dead factory in Newport. The factory, where employees used to make iron filings and pocket lint, was found stabbed in the main generator and had been dead for several hours.
The only leads are two rival factories, who make lint, and a jealous bank, who apparently had sent death threats to the now-deceased factory on account of an affair that the factory had with the bank's wife, the local bakery.
Local police stations are now looking into the case.

DON'T READ THIS ARTICLE

Don't read this article. If you read this article you will die tomorrow, your partner will leave you the next day and you will have relationship problems for the rest of your life. However, there is a way out.

Now that you have read this article, you have an obligation to copy and paste it onto another news website, comments section or Facebook status. If you fail to do this, then your actions will result in death and relationship problems, even your partner leaving you for good. So The Daily Weekly would like to suggest that you post this article in as many different places as possible, so that you have a chance of survival.

The Daily Weekly would also like to apologise for posting this article and therefore causing those that do not believe this article to die, but we read this article somewhere else and did not wish to die.

DON'T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS HOT LIKE STE?

Steve Vyse, or 'Ste' as he is often refurred, has been voted the hottest man alive by The Daily Weekly.

Well-known for his impressive muscles, 'cool hair' and amazingly defined chin, Ste has been voted hotter than any other man alive on the planet.

However, the title may have to be taken away from him because, due to the new regulations, he now just crosses the border on the maximum chin-length. This gives him an unfair advantage and therefore may have to be put into a class technically above human hotness.

Steve will also be playing Buzz Lightyear in the new live-action remake of Toy Story and reprising his role as the Crimson Chin in the movie adaptation of the classic cartoon.

THIS WEEK'S TOP HEADLINE HIGHLIGHTS

This week's top headlines in catagories:


Food:

New Kind of Olive Oil Destroys Teeth

Keith Lemon not really Fruit

"Chives Will Never Match Up to Basil," Says Offensive Chef

Man Melts Butter to Celebrate Fossil Anniversary


Sport:

Bill Nighy Becomes World's Greatest Boxing Champion

Wolverhampton Wolves Killed in Ironic Wolf Pack Massacre

Cat Spinning to Become Olympic Sport

Football No Longer Safe for Children Since Introduction of 'Penalty Stabbing'


Technology:

Professor Ben Geekton Realises he's a Scientist After Twelve Years of Stem Cell Research

New iPhone App Can Accurately Predict the Future Using Space-time Technology

Scientists Discover Pooh Bear is Just a Myth

Robot Uprising in Japan, all Humans Destroyed


General News:

X-Factor Winner Rod Gilbert Goes on 'Welsh Rampage of Victory'

Druken Chavs Join Knitting Club, Later Regret Actions

Ronnie Corbett Doesn't Like Tomato Puree According to Brother Micheal Palin

Doncaster Upset After Manchester Fails to Text Back