DAILY WEEKLY CLOSES DOWN...IN THE FUTURE

The Daily Weekly would like to apologise for an article yet to be published, but apparantly will be, in the future at some point.
Professor Cleverson, the inventor of the time machine and regular contributor to the Future Film Releases section of The Daily Weekly, has stated that in the future, The Daily Weekly will post an offensive article insulting Tom Kelpington. After watching the four-hundred-and-fifty-sixth Pokemon movie, which will feature over six-thousand Pokemon, Cleverson decided to see how his articles were turning out in The Daily Weekly, but saw that the site had been taken down. He then learned that this was because The Daily Weekly published an article detailing how Tom Kelpington, big time movie star, is a total douchebag. Many people were apparantly offended, even though we were just pointing out that Kelpinton simply can not act and has the hair of a total loser. I mean he can't act and doesn't even have any talent of any kind. I can honestly say that he is a complete div and is only famous because he is the son of Ian Kelpington.
So at some point in the future, The Daily Weekly will apparantly post an article like this, but we don't see that happening now that we know what would result from it.

FUTURE FILM REVIEWS PART ONE

This is the first in a series of film reivews of films which haven't been made yet. Professor Sedrick Cleverson has invented a time machine and visited the future to see what the film industry will offer in years to come.

This week in the future, Professor Cleverson has watched Toy Story 5 in 9D;
"Another Pixar classic. The level of detail in every frame of CGI was just breathing taking and the 9D effects offer a new level of film viewing that renders 3D as useless as a dead cat.
The plot was quite interesting and original; Woody (who is now made entirely of gold and has a jet-pack) and his friends have to escape a building of some sort and find their way back to Andy's grandson's house before they move, so he can play with them again.
The new characters were most wonderful; a fourth Buzz Lightyear, adding to the three that already join the cast, Ralph the Cowboy, a sort of male version of Jesse, Rainbow the Cottage-Cheese Cat and Mr and Mrs Potato-head's children the New Potato Gang.
Also, the clever twist that Andy's Grandson Gary grows up and marries the Grandaughter of Toy Story 1 antagonist Sid at the end of the film is most ingenius. But of course don't read that last but if you want to avoid spoilers.
Overall, I'll give Toy Story 5 in 9D Four out of Five Film-Grahams".

Next time, Cleverson will be reviewing a different film, but we haven't found out which yet because time travel is complicated and he could end up returning in a thousand yearas time, when apparantly the robins have taken over the world and it has become the law to throw cats at lamp posts whenever we see them.

THIS WEEK'S TOP HEADLINE HIGLIGHTS

This week's top headlines in categories:


Food:

Mayonnaise Said to be Made of Bernard Cribbins

Kinfrom's Evil Water Kills Thousands

Man's Life Ruined by biscuit

Man With Edible Face Grows Spaghetti Beard


Sport:

Sinister Man Buys Every Football Team

Norwich Golf Team Have Near-Parr-Experience

Football Fan 'Dan Go' Does the Fandango

"Sports," Claims Tennis Manager Keith Fitness


Technology:

New iPhone App Gives You Ability to Fly

New iPhone App Allows You to Make Calls and Send Texts

Nintendo's New Wii Game 'Mario, Sonic, Crash Bandicoot and Spider-man at the Olympic Games' Breaks Sales Records

New iPhone App Tells You How Many Times You've Used the App

General News:

"It's a Trap," Claims Admiral Ackbar

King of Spades Attempts to Buy Space, NASA Rufuses Sale

After Four-Hundred Years of Research Scientists Finally Give up Searching for Way to Destroy Bruce Forsythe

Next Year Cancelled Due to Lack of Funds

ETERNAL DASHBOARD CAUSES FACE EXPLOSIONS

It has been reported that the new David Fribbins movie 'Eternal Dashboard' is so awesome that is has caused people's faces to explode.
The movie, set in ancient Egypt, is about a race-car driver who has been sent back in time and has to rescue a princess from an evil Pharaoh by beating him in a drag race. But there is a twist in the plot that is said to be so shocking and unthought-of that when you watch the film, at least for the first time, it is likely that the sheer epicness with cause your face to literally explode.
Since the release of this film, it has been a hard time for cinema cleaners.
"It's just ridiculous the mess people leave behind when they watch this film," said Tina Ragina Clina, the cleaner.
Director David Fribbins has claimed that he was unsure whether or not to include the shocking plot twist in the final draft of the script, due to the massive risk of face explosions. He now expresses great sorrow for causing this to happen.
However, the film hasn't been banned due to massive health and safety issues, since the film is apparantly "too awesome to miss," according to faceless movie censor James Cinema.

Kinfrom Develops New Kind of Water

Local Froxton evil butcher and inventor of the meat car Kimfron Von Kinfrom has developed a new kind of water, said to be "much better then normal water".
His claim that it is better than normal water is under question, as studies show that it is simply normal water mixed with several kinds of deadly poison. It is suspected that his plan to replace the entire water supply for Froxton with this new kind of water is a health hazard and possibly an evil plot somehow related to taking over the world.
After his last attempt to take over the world, involving the new meat car failed, Kinfrom has stated that he has come up with several schemes since then and this is the best one so far.
As a C-grade villain and therefore generally unsuccessful, A-grade villain Doctor Pisketti thinks this a fairly good plan for Kinfrom and wishes him all the best with his latest scheme.

Magic Cell Phone Increases People’s Ability to Understand Fire

Where the scientists have failed, the wizards of the mobile phonamatron industry have succeeded. A blue wizard with a nose has created a magic cell phone which gives users the ability to understand fire. The phonamatronic device allows the user to speak to the flames of any kind of fire as if they were people, through the magic of magic.
This new technology is said to revolutionize the fire-fighting industry. Instead of using the traditional approach of putting the fire out with hoses and water cats, fire-fighters may now be able to simply talk the fire into leaving the house alone and going away.
Also we can now answer many of the long-asked questions such as: “Is fire in constant burning pain?” and “Can fire feel love?”
More on the story as it develops.

UNHEALTHY FOODS – BAD FOR YOU?

Recent study into the effects of the consumption of unhealthy food on people has shown that fatty and sugary foods may not be very good for you after all.

People in general eat a lot of unhealthy food with the desired effect being loss of weight, a healthy glow, and the ability to fly. But scientist who are clever and wear white lab coats and glasses have said that eating fatty foods such as burgers and meat cars can actually cause you to gain weight and clog your arteries with fat, leading to heart problems.

Fast food chains are now entirely re-thinking the way they make their food.

“I just wanted to create this service which provides young people and adults alike with unhealthy food, but now they say it’s not good for you anymore. We’ve got to re-think everything now,” said Michael Fries, head of fast food.

Many people are upset by this recent revelation, not wanting to leave their unhealthy food behind as it tastes so much better than healthy food.

But could this solve the obesity problems in Britain? If we’ve been eating food that is actually making us fatter all this time, then perhaps now that we know where the problem lies, we can cut out the unhealthy food and start to lose weight as a nation.

Some speculate that Britain is already too fat and always will be.