Don't read this article. If you read this article you will die tomorrow, your partner will leave you the next day and you will have relationship problems for the rest of your life. However, there is a way out.
Now that you have read this article, you have an obligation to copy and paste it onto another news website, comments section or Facebook status. If you fail to do this, then your actions will result in death and relationship problems, even your partner leaving you for good. So The Daily Weekly would like to suggest that you post this article in as many different places as possible, so that you have a chance of survival.
The Daily Weekly would also like to apologise for posting this article and therefore causing those that do not believe this article to die, but we read this article somewhere else and did not wish to die.
Tuesday, 30 November 2010
Saturday, 27 November 2010
DON'T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS HOT LIKE STE?
Steve Vyse, or 'Ste' as he is often refurred, has been voted the hottest man alive by The Daily Weekly.Well-known for his impressive muscles, 'cool hair' and amazingly defined chin, Ste has been voted hotter than any other man alive on the planet.
However, the title may have to be taken away from him because, due to the new regulations, he now just crosses the border on the maximum chin-length. This gives him an unfair advantage and therefore may have to be put into a class technically above human hotness.
Steve will also be playing Buzz Lightyear in the new live-action remake of Toy Story and reprising his role as the Crimson Chin in the movie adaptation of the classic cartoon.
THIS WEEK'S TOP HEADLINE HIGHLIGHTS
This week's top headlines in catagories:
Food:
New Kind of Olive Oil Destroys Teeth
Keith Lemon not really Fruit
"Chives Will Never Match Up to Basil," Says Offensive Chef
Man Melts Butter to Celebrate Fossil Anniversary
Sport:
Bill Nighy Becomes World's Greatest Boxing Champion
Wolverhampton Wolves Killed in Ironic Wolf Pack Massacre
Cat Spinning to Become Olympic Sport
Football No Longer Safe for Children Since Introduction of 'Penalty Stabbing'
Technology:
Professor Ben Geekton Realises he's a Scientist After Twelve Years of Stem Cell Research
New iPhone App Can Accurately Predict the Future Using Space-time Technology
Scientists Discover Pooh Bear is Just a Myth
Robot Uprising in Japan, all Humans Destroyed
General News:
X-Factor Winner Rod Gilbert Goes on 'Welsh Rampage of Victory'
Druken Chavs Join Knitting Club, Later Regret Actions
Ronnie Corbett Doesn't Like Tomato Puree According to Brother Micheal Palin
Doncaster Upset After Manchester Fails to Text Back
Food:
New Kind of Olive Oil Destroys Teeth
Keith Lemon not really Fruit
"Chives Will Never Match Up to Basil," Says Offensive Chef
Man Melts Butter to Celebrate Fossil Anniversary
Sport:
Bill Nighy Becomes World's Greatest Boxing Champion
Wolverhampton Wolves Killed in Ironic Wolf Pack Massacre
Cat Spinning to Become Olympic Sport
Football No Longer Safe for Children Since Introduction of 'Penalty Stabbing'
Technology:
Professor Ben Geekton Realises he's a Scientist After Twelve Years of Stem Cell Research
New iPhone App Can Accurately Predict the Future Using Space-time Technology
Scientists Discover Pooh Bear is Just a Myth
Robot Uprising in Japan, all Humans Destroyed
General News:
X-Factor Winner Rod Gilbert Goes on 'Welsh Rampage of Victory'
Druken Chavs Join Knitting Club, Later Regret Actions
Ronnie Corbett Doesn't Like Tomato Puree According to Brother Micheal Palin
Doncaster Upset After Manchester Fails to Text Back
Thursday, 19 August 2010
DAILY WEEKLY CLOSES DOWN...IN THE FUTURE
The Daily Weekly would like to apologise for an article yet to be published, but apparantly will be, in the future at some point.
Professor Cleverson, the inventor of the time machine and regular contributor to the Future Film Releases section of The Daily Weekly, has stated that in the future, The Daily Weekly will post an offensive article insulting Tom Kelpington. After watching the four-hundred-and-fifty-sixth Pokemon movie, which will feature over six-thousand Pokemon, Cleverson decided to see how his articles were turning out in The Daily Weekly, but saw that the site had been taken down. He then learned that this was because The Daily Weekly published an article detailing how Tom Kelpington, big time movie star, is a total douchebag. Many people were apparantly offended, even though we were just pointing out that Kelpinton simply can not act and has the hair of a total loser. I mean he can't act and doesn't even have any talent of any kind. I can honestly say that he is a complete div and is only famous because he is the son of Ian Kelpington.
So at some point in the future, The Daily Weekly will apparantly post an article like this, but we don't see that happening now that we know what would result from it.
Professor Cleverson, the inventor of the time machine and regular contributor to the Future Film Releases section of The Daily Weekly, has stated that in the future, The Daily Weekly will post an offensive article insulting Tom Kelpington. After watching the four-hundred-and-fifty-sixth Pokemon movie, which will feature over six-thousand Pokemon, Cleverson decided to see how his articles were turning out in The Daily Weekly, but saw that the site had been taken down. He then learned that this was because The Daily Weekly published an article detailing how Tom Kelpington, big time movie star, is a total douchebag. Many people were apparantly offended, even though we were just pointing out that Kelpinton simply can not act and has the hair of a total loser. I mean he can't act and doesn't even have any talent of any kind. I can honestly say that he is a complete div and is only famous because he is the son of Ian Kelpington.
So at some point in the future, The Daily Weekly will apparantly post an article like this, but we don't see that happening now that we know what would result from it.
Sunday, 7 March 2010
FUTURE FILM REVIEWS PART ONE
This is the first in a series of film reivews of films which haven't been made yet. Professor Sedrick Cleverson has invented a time machine and visited the future to see what the film industry will offer in years to come.
This week in the future, Professor Cleverson has watched Toy Story 5 in 9D;
"Another Pixar classic. The level of detail in every frame of CGI was just breathing taking and the 9D effects offer a new level of film viewing that renders 3D as useless as a dead cat.
The plot was quite interesting and original; Woody (who is now made entirely of gold and has a jet-pack) and his friends have to escape a building of some sort and find their way back to Andy's grandson's house before they move, so he can play with them again.
The new characters were most wonderful; a fourth Buzz Lightyear, adding to the three that already join the cast, Ralph the Cowboy, a sort of male version of Jesse, Rainbow the Cottage-Cheese Cat and Mr and Mrs Potato-head's children the New Potato Gang.
Also, the clever twist that Andy's Grandson Gary grows up and marries the Grandaughter of Toy Story 1 antagonist Sid at the end of the film is most ingenius. But of course don't read that last but if you want to avoid spoilers.
Overall, I'll give Toy Story 5 in 9D Four out of Five Film-Grahams".
Next time, Cleverson will be reviewing a different film, but we haven't found out which yet because time travel is complicated and he could end up returning in a thousand yearas time, when apparantly the robins have taken over the world and it has become the law to throw cats at lamp posts whenever we see them.
This week in the future, Professor Cleverson has watched Toy Story 5 in 9D;
"Another Pixar classic. The level of detail in every frame of CGI was just breathing taking and the 9D effects offer a new level of film viewing that renders 3D as useless as a dead cat.
The plot was quite interesting and original; Woody (who is now made entirely of gold and has a jet-pack) and his friends have to escape a building of some sort and find their way back to Andy's grandson's house before they move, so he can play with them again.
The new characters were most wonderful; a fourth Buzz Lightyear, adding to the three that already join the cast, Ralph the Cowboy, a sort of male version of Jesse, Rainbow the Cottage-Cheese Cat and Mr and Mrs Potato-head's children the New Potato Gang.
Also, the clever twist that Andy's Grandson Gary grows up and marries the Grandaughter of Toy Story 1 antagonist Sid at the end of the film is most ingenius. But of course don't read that last but if you want to avoid spoilers.
Overall, I'll give Toy Story 5 in 9D Four out of Five Film-Grahams".
Next time, Cleverson will be reviewing a different film, but we haven't found out which yet because time travel is complicated and he could end up returning in a thousand yearas time, when apparantly the robins have taken over the world and it has become the law to throw cats at lamp posts whenever we see them.
Monday, 1 March 2010
THIS WEEK'S TOP HEADLINE HIGLIGHTS
This week's top headlines in categories:
Food:
Mayonnaise Said to be Made of Bernard Cribbins
Kinfrom's Evil Water Kills Thousands
Man's Life Ruined by biscuit
Man With Edible Face Grows Spaghetti Beard
Sport:
Sinister Man Buys Every Football Team
Norwich Golf Team Have Near-Parr-Experience
Football Fan 'Dan Go' Does the Fandango
"Sports," Claims Tennis Manager Keith Fitness
Technology:
New iPhone App Gives You Ability to Fly
New iPhone App Allows You to Make Calls and Send Texts
Nintendo's New Wii Game 'Mario, Sonic, Crash Bandicoot and Spider-man at the Olympic Games' Breaks Sales Records
New iPhone App Tells You How Many Times You've Used the App
General News:
"It's a Trap," Claims Admiral Ackbar
King of Spades Attempts to Buy Space, NASA Rufuses Sale
After Four-Hundred Years of Research Scientists Finally Give up Searching for Way to Destroy Bruce Forsythe
Next Year Cancelled Due to Lack of Funds
Thursday, 25 February 2010
ETERNAL DASHBOARD CAUSES FACE EXPLOSIONS
It has been reported that the new David Fribbins movie 'Eternal Dashboard' is so awesome that is has caused people's faces to explode.
The movie, set in ancient Egypt, is about a race-car driver who has been sent back in time and has to rescue a princess from an evil Pharaoh by beating him in a drag race. But there is a twist in the plot that is said to be so shocking and unthought-of that when you watch the film, at least for the first time, it is likely that the sheer epicness with cause your face to literally explode.
Since the release of this film, it has been a hard time for cinema cleaners.
"It's just ridiculous the mess people leave behind when they watch this film," said Tina Ragina Clina, the cleaner.
Director David Fribbins has claimed that he was unsure whether or not to include the shocking plot twist in the final draft of the script, due to the massive risk of face explosions. He now expresses great sorrow for causing this to happen.
However, the film hasn't been banned due to massive health and safety issues, since the film is apparantly "too awesome to miss," according to faceless movie censor James Cinema.
The movie, set in ancient Egypt, is about a race-car driver who has been sent back in time and has to rescue a princess from an evil Pharaoh by beating him in a drag race. But there is a twist in the plot that is said to be so shocking and unthought-of that when you watch the film, at least for the first time, it is likely that the sheer epicness with cause your face to literally explode.
Since the release of this film, it has been a hard time for cinema cleaners.
"It's just ridiculous the mess people leave behind when they watch this film," said Tina Ragina Clina, the cleaner.
Director David Fribbins has claimed that he was unsure whether or not to include the shocking plot twist in the final draft of the script, due to the massive risk of face explosions. He now expresses great sorrow for causing this to happen.
However, the film hasn't been banned due to massive health and safety issues, since the film is apparantly "too awesome to miss," according to faceless movie censor James Cinema.
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