Image Headlines: James Stewart and Gina Davis Star in new Feature Film

Arthur Darville Assulted by Restaurant Owner

Actor Arthur Darville (Rory Williams, Doctor Who) has recently been attacked by a furious restaurant owner with a nearby school desk.

The elderly actor who plays the long-admired character of Rory Williams in popular children's documentary series Doctor Who recently ate with his wife Victor Darville and his brother Bob Hoskins at a posh restaurant called Penelope's Cantalope. As he was tucking into his dessert, the onwer of the restuarant, a man named Olivia Newton John (not to be confused with Olivia Newton John), rushed over in a furious rage, weilding a sharpened school desk as a weapon. John had apparently mistaken Arthur Darville for the character of Rory Williams and became enraged at the fact that he had married Karen Gillen, who incidently in real life was engaged to John's sister, I mean brother, Tim Newton John.

The outcome of the situation was that Arthur Darville, who happened to be able to remove his own elbows under dire circumstances, used his unique ability to "gross out" the angered restaurant owner until he backed away and lay on a table to go to die for some reason.
It was later reported that John was only asleep, and dreampt about "an amazing persian with the ability to light a fire under the ocean, in a non-gay way".

WOMAN KILLED BY ISIAH MUSTAFA'S VOICE

Earlier this week, Harriet Totem, mother of four and wife of actor Bill Nighy, was watching an advert for the men's product 'Old Spice' on her tel-e-vision, and as she looked at her husband and then back at the screen for the second time, her head actualy exploded because of the voice she heard.

Isiah Mustafa, creator of irish mustard, starred in this particular advert and happens to have a particularly rich and deep voice. The sheer manliness of his voice as he politely asked Harriet to look at her man and then back at him, combined with the overbearing power of his abdominals, caused her head to actually explode. Unfortunately she did not survive.

The power of Isiah Mustafa's voice has affected many women in similar ways, but this is the most fatal case known so far. The 'Old Spice' adverts have now been banned, as Isaiah Mustafa's voice is just "too sexy for tel-e-vision," according to tel-e-vision censor Raphael de la TV.

FACTORY FOUND DEAD, MURDER SUSPECTED

Police today have uncovered the remains of a dead factory in Newport. The factory, where employees used to make iron filings and pocket lint, was found stabbed in the main generator and had been dead for several hours.
The only leads are two rival factories, who make lint, and a jealous bank, who apparently had sent death threats to the now-deceased factory on account of an affair that the factory had with the bank's wife, the local bakery.
Local police stations are now looking into the case.

DON'T READ THIS ARTICLE

Don't read this article. If you read this article you will die tomorrow, your partner will leave you the next day and you will have relationship problems for the rest of your life. However, there is a way out.

Now that you have read this article, you have an obligation to copy and paste it onto another news website, comments section or Facebook status. If you fail to do this, then your actions will result in death and relationship problems, even your partner leaving you for good. So The Daily Weekly would like to suggest that you post this article in as many different places as possible, so that you have a chance of survival.

The Daily Weekly would also like to apologise for posting this article and therefore causing those that do not believe this article to die, but we read this article somewhere else and did not wish to die.

DON'T YOU WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS HOT LIKE STE?

Steve Vyse, or 'Ste' as he is often refurred, has been voted the hottest man alive by The Daily Weekly.

Well-known for his impressive muscles, 'cool hair' and amazingly defined chin, Ste has been voted hotter than any other man alive on the planet.

However, the title may have to be taken away from him because, due to the new regulations, he now just crosses the border on the maximum chin-length. This gives him an unfair advantage and therefore may have to be put into a class technically above human hotness.

Steve will also be playing Buzz Lightyear in the new live-action remake of Toy Story and reprising his role as the Crimson Chin in the movie adaptation of the classic cartoon.

THIS WEEK'S TOP HEADLINE HIGHLIGHTS

This week's top headlines in catagories:


Food:

New Kind of Olive Oil Destroys Teeth

Keith Lemon not really Fruit

"Chives Will Never Match Up to Basil," Says Offensive Chef

Man Melts Butter to Celebrate Fossil Anniversary


Sport:

Bill Nighy Becomes World's Greatest Boxing Champion

Wolverhampton Wolves Killed in Ironic Wolf Pack Massacre

Cat Spinning to Become Olympic Sport

Football No Longer Safe for Children Since Introduction of 'Penalty Stabbing'


Technology:

Professor Ben Geekton Realises he's a Scientist After Twelve Years of Stem Cell Research

New iPhone App Can Accurately Predict the Future Using Space-time Technology

Scientists Discover Pooh Bear is Just a Myth

Robot Uprising in Japan, all Humans Destroyed


General News:

X-Factor Winner Rod Gilbert Goes on 'Welsh Rampage of Victory'

Druken Chavs Join Knitting Club, Later Regret Actions

Ronnie Corbett Doesn't Like Tomato Puree According to Brother Micheal Palin

Doncaster Upset After Manchester Fails to Text Back

DAILY WEEKLY CLOSES DOWN...IN THE FUTURE

The Daily Weekly would like to apologise for an article yet to be published, but apparantly will be, in the future at some point.
Professor Cleverson, the inventor of the time machine and regular contributor to the Future Film Releases section of The Daily Weekly, has stated that in the future, The Daily Weekly will post an offensive article insulting Tom Kelpington. After watching the four-hundred-and-fifty-sixth Pokemon movie, which will feature over six-thousand Pokemon, Cleverson decided to see how his articles were turning out in The Daily Weekly, but saw that the site had been taken down. He then learned that this was because The Daily Weekly published an article detailing how Tom Kelpington, big time movie star, is a total douchebag. Many people were apparantly offended, even though we were just pointing out that Kelpinton simply can not act and has the hair of a total loser. I mean he can't act and doesn't even have any talent of any kind. I can honestly say that he is a complete div and is only famous because he is the son of Ian Kelpington.
So at some point in the future, The Daily Weekly will apparantly post an article like this, but we don't see that happening now that we know what would result from it.

FUTURE FILM REVIEWS PART ONE

This is the first in a series of film reivews of films which haven't been made yet. Professor Sedrick Cleverson has invented a time machine and visited the future to see what the film industry will offer in years to come.

This week in the future, Professor Cleverson has watched Toy Story 5 in 9D;
"Another Pixar classic. The level of detail in every frame of CGI was just breathing taking and the 9D effects offer a new level of film viewing that renders 3D as useless as a dead cat.
The plot was quite interesting and original; Woody (who is now made entirely of gold and has a jet-pack) and his friends have to escape a building of some sort and find their way back to Andy's grandson's house before they move, so he can play with them again.
The new characters were most wonderful; a fourth Buzz Lightyear, adding to the three that already join the cast, Ralph the Cowboy, a sort of male version of Jesse, Rainbow the Cottage-Cheese Cat and Mr and Mrs Potato-head's children the New Potato Gang.
Also, the clever twist that Andy's Grandson Gary grows up and marries the Grandaughter of Toy Story 1 antagonist Sid at the end of the film is most ingenius. But of course don't read that last but if you want to avoid spoilers.
Overall, I'll give Toy Story 5 in 9D Four out of Five Film-Grahams".

Next time, Cleverson will be reviewing a different film, but we haven't found out which yet because time travel is complicated and he could end up returning in a thousand yearas time, when apparantly the robins have taken over the world and it has become the law to throw cats at lamp posts whenever we see them.

THIS WEEK'S TOP HEADLINE HIGLIGHTS

This week's top headlines in categories:


Food:

Mayonnaise Said to be Made of Bernard Cribbins

Kinfrom's Evil Water Kills Thousands

Man's Life Ruined by biscuit

Man With Edible Face Grows Spaghetti Beard


Sport:

Sinister Man Buys Every Football Team

Norwich Golf Team Have Near-Parr-Experience

Football Fan 'Dan Go' Does the Fandango

"Sports," Claims Tennis Manager Keith Fitness


Technology:

New iPhone App Gives You Ability to Fly

New iPhone App Allows You to Make Calls and Send Texts

Nintendo's New Wii Game 'Mario, Sonic, Crash Bandicoot and Spider-man at the Olympic Games' Breaks Sales Records

New iPhone App Tells You How Many Times You've Used the App

General News:

"It's a Trap," Claims Admiral Ackbar

King of Spades Attempts to Buy Space, NASA Rufuses Sale

After Four-Hundred Years of Research Scientists Finally Give up Searching for Way to Destroy Bruce Forsythe

Next Year Cancelled Due to Lack of Funds

ETERNAL DASHBOARD CAUSES FACE EXPLOSIONS

It has been reported that the new David Fribbins movie 'Eternal Dashboard' is so awesome that is has caused people's faces to explode.
The movie, set in ancient Egypt, is about a race-car driver who has been sent back in time and has to rescue a princess from an evil Pharaoh by beating him in a drag race. But there is a twist in the plot that is said to be so shocking and unthought-of that when you watch the film, at least for the first time, it is likely that the sheer epicness with cause your face to literally explode.
Since the release of this film, it has been a hard time for cinema cleaners.
"It's just ridiculous the mess people leave behind when they watch this film," said Tina Ragina Clina, the cleaner.
Director David Fribbins has claimed that he was unsure whether or not to include the shocking plot twist in the final draft of the script, due to the massive risk of face explosions. He now expresses great sorrow for causing this to happen.
However, the film hasn't been banned due to massive health and safety issues, since the film is apparantly "too awesome to miss," according to faceless movie censor James Cinema.

Kinfrom Develops New Kind of Water

Local Froxton evil butcher and inventor of the meat car Kimfron Von Kinfrom has developed a new kind of water, said to be "much better then normal water".
His claim that it is better than normal water is under question, as studies show that it is simply normal water mixed with several kinds of deadly poison. It is suspected that his plan to replace the entire water supply for Froxton with this new kind of water is a health hazard and possibly an evil plot somehow related to taking over the world.
After his last attempt to take over the world, involving the new meat car failed, Kinfrom has stated that he has come up with several schemes since then and this is the best one so far.
As a C-grade villain and therefore generally unsuccessful, A-grade villain Doctor Pisketti thinks this a fairly good plan for Kinfrom and wishes him all the best with his latest scheme.

Magic Cell Phone Increases People’s Ability to Understand Fire

Where the scientists have failed, the wizards of the mobile phonamatron industry have succeeded. A blue wizard with a nose has created a magic cell phone which gives users the ability to understand fire. The phonamatronic device allows the user to speak to the flames of any kind of fire as if they were people, through the magic of magic.
This new technology is said to revolutionize the fire-fighting industry. Instead of using the traditional approach of putting the fire out with hoses and water cats, fire-fighters may now be able to simply talk the fire into leaving the house alone and going away.
Also we can now answer many of the long-asked questions such as: “Is fire in constant burning pain?” and “Can fire feel love?”
More on the story as it develops.

UNHEALTHY FOODS – BAD FOR YOU?

Recent study into the effects of the consumption of unhealthy food on people has shown that fatty and sugary foods may not be very good for you after all.

People in general eat a lot of unhealthy food with the desired effect being loss of weight, a healthy glow, and the ability to fly. But scientist who are clever and wear white lab coats and glasses have said that eating fatty foods such as burgers and meat cars can actually cause you to gain weight and clog your arteries with fat, leading to heart problems.

Fast food chains are now entirely re-thinking the way they make their food.

“I just wanted to create this service which provides young people and adults alike with unhealthy food, but now they say it’s not good for you anymore. We’ve got to re-think everything now,” said Michael Fries, head of fast food.

Many people are upset by this recent revelation, not wanting to leave their unhealthy food behind as it tastes so much better than healthy food.

But could this solve the obesity problems in Britain? If we’ve been eating food that is actually making us fatter all this time, then perhaps now that we know where the problem lies, we can cut out the unhealthy food and start to lose weight as a nation.

Some speculate that Britain is already too fat and always will be.

EVIL BUTCHER CREATES MEAT CAR

Local evil butcher Kimfron Von Kinfrom has invented a new car made entirely of meat.

The sinister meat distributor lives in Froxton and provides meat to the people of Froxton daily. However, behind the scenes he also works hard at his night-time job of being an evil mastermind.

Kinfrom’s latest invention is a meat car; a car made entirely out of meat. He claims that using this car he will take over the world somehow. Details of his sinister plan are yet to be revealed, but The Daily Weekly will keep you updated.

DAVROS RUNS FOR PRIME MINISTER

Scientist and evil genius Davros is currently running for the position of the next Prime Minister of England.

Davros claims to be able to bring an element to the position of Prime Minister that no other human could possibly imagine. Current Prime Minister Gordon Brown expressed his thoughts on this turn of events;

“It’s ridiculous, he’s an evil madman, no one will ever vote for him”.

Davros, creator of the Daleks and Merrill Streep, plans to fly in his race of Dalek creatures to Earth to “exterminate” all humans, something which most people find most appealing.

One man who looked up the definition of the word ‘exterminate’ on Wikipedia expressed concern;

“I don’t like the sound of this Davros; I think he’s going to kill us all”.

Davros responds to this man’s over-reaction;

“In time, all on the Earth will be destroyed, and the Daleks will reign supreme over the entire universe”.

People in general have responded positively to Davros’ new and refreshing way of doing things and think him a likely candidate for winning the next elections.

GLASS TEACHER RESCUES ANGRY PUPIL

Respected teacher Mr. Robinsonston from Coblinsonston on Friday rescued an angry pupil, despite being made entirely of glass.

The angry child went on an infuriated rampage after being denied access to the class stapler, throwing chairs and smaller pupils at his classmates. Mr. Robinsonston, although having the hindrance of being made of glass, was able to stop the boy from becoming “so angry that he would’ve exploded like an angry bomb” by lending him his own personal stapler which he keeps in a safe.

The teacher’s unfortunate condition causes his body to be made of glass, rendering movement impossible. Despite this, he manages to teach his class of pupils every day and is an inspiration to teachers everywhere.